I hope you're not letting yourself be influenced by the guns these pocket edition desperados are waving around.

Happy Friday! I'm writing a murder mystery. What do you think? Be honest. I consider this my Magnum Opus.

Chapter One: Charisma Hits the Dance Floor

To say Charisma Ponderosa "appeared" at the top of the Grand Staircase wouldn't be entirely accurate. She didn’t so much appear as she faded slowly into focus in much the same manner as the bartender’s face fades slowly into focus once you’ve fallen off your barstool and flat on your ass after your seventh Tequila Popper.

Atop her poorly bleached hair sat a tiara adorned with enormous faux diamonds. She wore a red sequined gown that she’d been poured into… out of a Soft Serve ice-cream machine. The sequins had the appearance of scales making her look like some gigantic red iguana which had escaped from a fifties horror film by way of "Saturday Night Fever."

Draped around her hips was a loose, zebra-skinned sashay belt which hung just above her thighs. Her large feet were stuffed sausage-like into a pair of expensive polka-dotted designer shoes. You could see the perfume she’d applied generously about her form from the ballroom floor.

Charisma was a vision. A peyote-induced vision, but a vision nevertheless.

She waved. It was the wave rodeo princesses’ use in backwater Fourth of July parades. A slow back and fourth, elbow firmly planted in mid-air. It was the wave of royalty. It was the wave of dismissal.

Charisma began to slowly sashay down the stairs with the intent of making a big entrance. She had no idea that she would accomplish that goal in spades. As she stepped down the stairs her belt suddenly slipped loose and dropped down to around her feet.

She staggered to maintain her balance, but her feet were hopelessly entangled in five-hundred dollars of zebra-skinned doom. Time briefly froze as the crowd at the bottom of the stairs gasped in unison. That is except Charisma’s sister Eunice who was snickering to herself in the corner.

Gravity quickly slapped the lot of them back into reality as Charisma started to tumble down the marble stairs head over heels, a pinwheel of red sequins bouncing with ever increasing velocity. Diamonds, zebra-skin, polka-dots, diamonds, zebra-skin, CRASH!

The coroner’s initial report was simple and concise. "Death by sashay, sashay."

I never get out of this cave.

Does anyone know why this creationist class at natural history museum doesn't qualify as child abuse?



It does make it clear to me why teens seem to have rebellion coded into their genes. It's a survival instinct that evolved over millions of years to help us throw off the views of dumb-ass parents like these home-schooling knuckle-draggers.

I'm also a bit confused as to why the museum allows this. They say they don't want to make them feel persecuted but what about the other patrons? If this was an art museum and somebody regularly brought through a group of kids while loudly proclaiming that every single piece of art hanging on the walls was terrible I don't think they'd permit that for very long.

We need to stop coddling stupidity for pete's sakes.

I've never had anything to say about that long-winded jackanapes, but he sure does know a way how to start a war.

McCain Asserts Iraq Withdrawal Could Mean Civil War.

McCain Asserts Allied Invasion of Normandy Could Mean World War 2.

McCain Asserts Ending Sex Will Prevent Pregnant Woman From Giving Birth.

McCain Asserts Closing Barn Door Could Prevent Yesterday's Escaped Horse.

You get the idea.

TISH. That's French.

Becca over at No Smoking in the Skullcave has done an absolutely terrific drawing of the Addam's Family that would do Charles Addams proud.

Your husband had told me you were the most beautiful woman he'd ever met. I didn't expect the most beautiful woman I'd ever met.

The results of a recent study on happiness in marriage were released yesterday and among other things they found this--

Here's a story for all the guys who will never be voted the World's Sexiest Man. A new study suggests ugly men with beautiful wives are happiest.

I'm not sure what that means in the big picture but it does go a long way towards explaining this--

Although this is a little worrisome--

Psychologists at the University of Tennessee have found that in marriages where the husband is more attractive than his wife, the man is often unhappy, and that leads to trouble.

Because as beautiful as my wife is, it has to be a concern to both of us that the adjective used most often to describe me is "Clooneyesque."

UPDATE - Because Fran demanded pictures. This is me performing my one man show "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son" at the Met and not singer/ actress Rosemary Clooney as it may appear at first glance.

Crucio!

Forget the three nominees for President. I've found a candidate I can really believe in.

See? Linus was right. There really is an Easter Beagle.

I've been giving lot's of thought to the Blog Against Theocracy stuff and was trying to work out a clever way to work Margaret Atwood's seminal work on the issue; The Handmaid's Tale into a post, when it occured to me I should just let Ms. Atwood speak for herself. Here's an interview she did with PBS in three parts.

(For the record on the theocracy issue: I'm against it.)

Hail to the King, baby.

OBAMA!

The doors opened at 7:30 a.m. with seating first come/ first serve in a venue that holds between 12-13k people. The last political rally I'd been to in this city - Kerry in 04 - had about 20,000 people in attendance, so I was a little nervous about getting into the event because this city is pretty enthusiastic for Democrats.

We got there about 6:30 a.m. and were probably about half-way in the line when all was said and done.

(Sorry this pic is blurry, it was dawn.)

(This line snaked clear around the Rose Garden for about four blocks.)

(This guy was shouting at everybody even though most of us probably agreed with him.)

I was pretty happy that there seemed to be good security with everybody who entered the Coliseum having to do so through metal detectors. I also saw bomb sniffing dogs check the floor before the event.

Once we got inside we found pretty good seats above and behind the stage. It had taken so long to get inside that we didn't have to wait too long for the event to start.

(There is nobody on the stage so don't bother squinting.)

Congressman Earl Blumenauer gave a pretty good introductory speech that started to get the crowd going and then, after a short wait, they dimmed the house lights and showed the "Yes We Can" video on the jumbitron. As you might imagine; the crowd started chanting along with the video which was pretty cool.

Then the secret service guys came out and Obama and surprise guest Bill Richardson quickly jumped up on the stage. As the announcer asked us to welcome Richardson the crowd went absolutely nuts. I assume it's because he just came out for Obama today.

(That empty section of seats in front of them is the press section.)

(Richardson and Obama seemed to genuinely like each other. They hugged at least twice.)

Richardson gave a great, somewhat low-key speech which was basically a description of why he decided to endorse Obama. My favorite part was a little anecdotal story he told at the end of the speech where Obama had a chance to throw Richardson under a bus during one of the Democratic debates when Richardson hadn't heard a question, but instead helped him out.

Then the Man himself started talking and it was tough to hear the first part because the crowd was so loud and excited and responsive.

I'm not going to go through all the details of Obama's speech except to say this: I was wrong about Obama. My biggest concerns about him before this election sound very much like the criticisms thrown at him by the Clinton campaign; that he's a lightweight and he's too much of a moderate/ conservative for my tastes.

The guy gave a boilerplate, fire and brimstone democratic speech. He promised to end the war, support labor, support science, find a health care solution, close Guantanamo and help the poor. There was absolutely nothing in his speech that could have been confused with the words and promises of George W Bush, John McCain or Ronald Reagan. The closest he came to mentioning Hillary Clinton was an allusion to the 3 a.m. phone call commercial and how he would respond. I'm convinced he's a democrat, but more importantly he's a progressive.

I left the coliseum convinced that he's the right person for the job and this point in history. My daughter wants to volunteer for the campaign. I think I just may join her.

It's so beneficial for me to be away from those children in junior high and to be with people of my own mature growth.

While our oldest daughter was still breakdancing In Utero, Mrs. Wormer and I took a trip to Washington D.C. for the inauguration of one William Jefferson Clinton.

At the age of fourteen this year is the first year she's really gotten interested in politics. As is fitting for the you-tube generation, she was immediately drawn to the campaign of Barack Obama. The "Yes We Can" video was the sale but, to be fair she is concerned about a number of issues including the environment and the war.

Earlier this week my daughter, Mrs. Wormer and I watched the "More Perfect Union" speech together and when it was finished my daughter asked me if we could go see Obama speak live when he was in town. I said told her it would be no problem and that dad would "make it happen." The next day they announced he would be here today. Grrrr. I had to call in a bunch of favors at work but I was able to make that happen.

So today my daughter and I (Mrs. Wormer couldn't get out of work) got up at 5:00 a.m. and went down to the Memorial Coliseum to stand in line for 3 hours and see the man we hope will be the next president of the United States speak. It was a wonderful experience for both of us. I 'm a pretty proud dad.

I took a bunch of pictures and will do a mini-report when I get home from work tonight, but suffice it to say that for me today was a pretty damn good day.

Is he always this funny, or only on days when he's wanted for murder?

One could read President Bush's remarks defending the Iraq war yesterday or one could watch the following video to get the same effect.

(I'd take the video if I were you.)