Thursday, May 21, 2009

Always in motion is the future.

Tagged with a Splotchy virus by Randal. My contribution is after the rules...

Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.

If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.

Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours.

The ground crunched beneath my feet. Besides my noisy footsteps, I heard only the sound of the gentle crackling fire behind me. Its faint orange light lazily revealed my immediate surroundings. Beyond the glow, there was total blackness. I whistled. I took the small rock I had been carrying and whipped it away from me, expecting a thud, crack or plop -- but a soft yelp of a cry answered. [Splotchy]

Failing to leap tall buildings of uneaten Nestlé Crunch and Krackel bars in a single bound, I had waded through them instead, the crunchiness of the candy adding to the crunchiness of the drought-stricken, pebble-strewn soil, elevating the aural to a heretofore unknown level of crunchiness, as if Dick Cheney himself were trampling the defleshed bones of third world refugee children scattered about his clawed feet, the dried marrow spewing forth from between shards glistening in the wan moonlight.

I shivered.

Silently thanking the Old Ones that I had decided to stuff my backpack with packets of instant coffee instead of those mini boxes of Rice Krispies or stalks of celery because those things are far too crunchy in comparison to things that are not like packets of instant coffee and all that Xtreme! crunchiness would've only disoriented my delicate sense of hearing, therefore preventing me from ever hearing the creature amidst the cacophony. Sore feet and a diet of nothing but caffeine and sugar for days and days. No wonder I ended up lost in this haunted quail preserve.

That feeble sound, I soon found out, was made not by a hideous hellbeast bent on tricking me by deceptive vocal prestidigitation into becoming its next meal, but by a meek, mousy, nearly hairless creature no more than three feet tall, almost like a midget hobbit dwarf with skin more pale than a made-up Twilight extra who dwells in a sunless condo. As it entered the camp, illumined by the rustle and pop of burning wood, I saw through the curling smoke that it was visibly frightened. I calmly gestured towards it, quickly pulling back, trying to reassure it that I meant no harm.

"Do you understand me? Can you speak? Who are you?"

"My name -- my name is Dick Cheney." [Randal Graves]


I'd been living with Cheney in his small hut for only a matter of weeks but it seemed to have been years at this point. I had come to this haunted quail preserve looking for Cheney, hoping he could train me as he had my father.

So far all I'd faced was exhaustive physical training peppered with gems of Cheney's grammatically challenged "wisdom" as he taught me how to try and change reality through sheer exertion of willpower. I was having trouble taking Cheney's ancient bullshit belief seriously.

Today I was running through a jungle obstacle course with Cheney, as usual, perched lazily on my back sipping from an airplane bottle of scotch. We (I) had been running, swinging and jumping through the impenetrable brush for several sweat-soaked hours already when he tapped me on the shoulder.

"Piss, I must."

Having to go myself and grateful for the respite I skidded to a stop and placed the horrible little gnome onto the ground next to me. We both unzipped and started to drain our rancors. Curious; I snuck a glance at his miniature lightsaber. He must of caught sight of me looking.

"Judge me by my size? Size matters not."

Cheney groaned and shook his head. He put his repulsive, gnarled claw on my hand led me to a nearby clearing. At it's immediate center sat a small, grizzled man with an unbelievably long, white beard.

"Control the mind of the Blitzer you must," said Cheney.

"I can't Master Cheney," I whined. "He's too logical."

"That," he sighed, "is why you fail." [Dean Wormer]

Whomever wants to take up the story (don? Lockwood? ladybug?) please feel free. :-)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I hate that word. It's a return, a return to the millions of people who have never forgiven me for deserting the screen.

Gingrich Calls for Pelosi to Resign.

Mengele Calls Kevorkian a Medical Monster.

Paris Hilton Calls Lindsay Lohan Easy.

Jason Calls Freddy a Murdering Psycho.

You get the idea.

Monday, May 18, 2009

You must chill. You must chill.

Still around. Just busy.

If you haven't been exposed to the creepy story of Ben the Stalker, AKA "Douche Quadbike" then you've missed a "Chocolate Rain" level internet meme.

Ben "didn't understand" why his girlfriend Loren left him two years ago so he spent nine months making a video to win her back... or something. It's not really clear what he's trying to do with this video other than prove he's a muscular, self-centered moron who is in love with his own ass. And Loren... or something.

Also thrown into the mix- Ben mentions fundraising to fight cancer at the end and that one of the reasons he did this video was to audition for the role of Captain America in the upcoming Hollywood movie.

Here's the video-

A bunch of guys over at got a look at that and realized that Ben was a grade-A psycho and must be dealt with in the time honored web way of dealing with such people- mocked with a Youtube video. Actually several videos.

The best parody video was made by a guy named Sanchez, who wrote a hysterical song about Ben set to images from his own film. What followed were threats by Ben to have him arrested, deported, turned over homeland security or Ben would "take justice into his own hands." Here's the Cracked forum thing detailing the whole sad affair.

Here's a techno remix of Sanchez's original song that's pretty good.

On a serious note I was really, really disturbed by the original link to Ben's video and the thousands of comments in reply which are mostly supportive of his quest to win his ex-girlfriend back. We joke about the fact that Ben is a few eggs short of an omelet, but I don't doubt for a second that there's a restraining order underneath all of this. That so many people take Ben's original video as something sweet is depressing.