But Dead Tom's always been dead. That's why he's called Dead Tom.

Ahoy me hearties!

This weekend be the Portland Pirate Festival.

Plenty of music, grog and chow crawling out of the bung hole at St. Johns.

Dress smartly. Lubbers welcome.

Here be some pirate pick-up lines I've shamelessly looted.

Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
Come on up and see me urchins.
Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
Well blow me down?
They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing?
Wanna shiver me timbers?
I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.
Brwaack! Polly want a cracker? … Oh, wait. That’s for Talk Like a PARROT Day.
That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Let's get together and haul some keel.
That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.

You bilge rats can find your pirate name here or here or here.

I be Left Eye Lewie. What be your name?

I'm sweating like a bridegroom.

As a fan of Star Trek and an admirer of George Takei in particular (he has a very interesting life story and always speaks his mind) I just wanted to say how happy I am for him on his wedding this week to his longtime partner Brad Altman.

I'm going to risk conflating real life with fiction here but I think that in this case it will be okay since Takei has never run away from his association with Trek, in fact he's always spoke of it proudly. Star Trek means cardboard sets and bad acting to a good portion of the population and I won't argue that. I readily admit it's cheesy to it's core.

But Star Trek - specifically the future imagined by Gene Rodenberry some forty years ago now - has also always presented a kind of society that I as a progressive wished we lived in. There is no racism, sexism or prejudice against homosexuals in that fictional future. Takei understood what Trek represented from the start which is why he didn't try and run away from the show like Shatner and Nimoy did.

So congratulations Mr. Takei on your wedding. In the larger sense it was a step towards a better, more equatable society. For that I thank you.

(Takei with spouse Altman, Maid of Honor Nichelle Nichols and Best Man Walter Koenig)

I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass.

There probably exists no legal instrument for this but I want the government to seize every penny of this man's $47 million dollar severance package.

Since taxpayers are now on the hook to the tune of $80 billion to AIG partly for the decisions Sullivan made as CEO it's the least we can expect that he'll be the first to chip in.

At the very least we need to take every cent that man has to send a message to other executives willing to gamble with so many other people's future. Consider it a deterrent. Sort of like capital punishment.

When you break this down this man and the other executives at his company just stole money from you, me and everybody else that's filled out a W-4. It's long past time that we went a little medieval on their asses.

Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener.

Randal took the time to drop Esmerelda, climb down from his belltower and slap me with a meme.

The idea is to list the top 25 tracks on your mp3 player at this moment.

I'm going to place this fair. I put my music on my phone and I just got a new phone for my birthday and haven't had a chance to upload a ton of stuff. As of right now I currently have the following full albums-

1) Soundtrack to Juno (This is absolutely awesome.)

2) Bob Marley - Legend

3) Best of Frank Sinatra

4) Otis Redding - 1968 - In Person at the Whisky A Go Go

5) Pink Floyd Echoes - The Best of Pink Floyd

6) Rolling Stones - Touring Party Vol. 1

7) Rolling Stones - Goats Head Soup

Out of those I'd pick--

Anyone Else But You (Juno)

Tire Swing (Juno)

Kick Out of You (Sinatra)

So Nice So Smart (Juno)

No Woman, No Cry (Marley)

Could You Be Loved (Marley)

Redemption Song (Marley)

Waiting in Vain (Marley)

I've Been Loving You Too Long (Redding)

Try a Little Tenderness (Redding)

Fly Me To The Moon (Sinatra)

Luck Be A Lady (Sinatra)

Hide Your Love (Stones)

Angie (Stones)

Hey You (Floyd)

Learning to Fly (Floyd)

Wish You Were Here (Floyd)

Money (Floyd)

Marooned (Floyd)

Satisfaction (Stones) (I know it's f-ed out but I still love it.)

Start Me Up (Stones)

The Last Time (Stones)

Shattered (Stones)

Brown Sugar (Stones)

Paint It Black (Stones)

Also- Liberality sucker punched me with a meme last week-

1) Where were you ten years ago? Ever seen the "Deadliest Catch" on the Discovery channel? The show where the guys go out under incredibly dangerous conditions in arctic waters to catch crab? I was watching that.

2) What is on your to do list today? Return some books to the library. Talk to H.R. about a problem employee. Listen to the tunes on my phone. Make fun of the Elvis impersanator that sets up across from my place of work.

3) What would I do if I was a billionaire? I'm not one of those guys that would trade up to a new trophy wife and family but I would buy them all plastic surgery so it looked like I traded up.

4) Five places I've visited. Hawaii, Cuernevaca Mexico, Baja California, Washington D.C. and Gresham Oregon.

5) Bad habits - It takes me forever to answer tags.

Finally - special thanks to Joon for the Arte y Pico award. You rock!

I tag Swiney, donsnabalus, overdroid (because he hates being tagged,) westcoast walker and freida with whichever meme they want.

I thought you said your dog does not bite.

People seem to think today's story dog dials 911 when his owner has a seizure is a happy one.
This leaves me to wonder if it's really such a great idea to teach your dog to dial emergency services. Your canine buddy is going to make that call...

...when you're late filling his dinner bowl.

...when the neighbor's cat is in your yard.

...when the female lab up the road is in heat.

...when a bird whistles within a hundred feet of your house.

...when you're trying to give him a bath.

See what I mean? Seems like a recipe for disaster.