I'll take "The Penis Mightier" for 100, Trebek.

Or is the pen mightier?

I heard the rumor that Dave Chappelle was going to do a free show at midnight in Pioneer Square via Twitter. I briefly considered heading down there but I really haven't been home much as it is with work taking up most of my time.

Because of the sound issue (Dave brought a small, battery operated mike and amp) when close to 12,000 people showed up I'm glad I didn't. Odds are I wouldn't of caught a word he was saying.

That doesn't take away from the coolness of the event and Chappelle in general for trying to pull it off.

In a broader sense I really am rethinking my disdain for Twitter. Between the recent uprising in Iran and now this I do think there is potential to really move people to the streets. Can you imagine how Twitter would've changed the anti-war movement in the run up to the Iraq war?

It's almost like the fear that online social networking would detract from real world interaction is not only wrong, but wildly wrong. Twitter has the power to bring people together in the real world. That's pretty incredible.

Live, from New York... it's Saturday Night!

I bought Mrs. Wormer the first season of Saturday Night Live (75-76') for her birthday and we've been slowly working through watching the discs. A few impressions--

• The show was nowhere near as funny as I remember it.


• The show was very music-centric, with multiple musical guests and musical sets taking up about half the show.


• The show was very focused on the guests. When George Carlin hosted the first show he did five or six stand up routines during the course of the show. When Paul Simon hosted the show almost the entire show was taken up with his music and his reunion with former partner Art Garfunkel.


• In the first few episodes you barely see the famous cast of Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner, John Belushi, etc.


• The bee thing still escapes me. The original sketch with the male bees pacing around a waiting room to see if the're going to have a drone, worker or queen is pretty lame. Did they keep bringing the bees back just because they had the costumes.


• OTOH Andy Kaufman singing "Mighty Mouse" is still pretty hilarious. He looks like he's going to crawl out of his own skin.

I got a fever and the prescription is more cowbell.

Dear Doctor McConnell,

My two-year old schnauzer has a problem with urinating when he gets excited. I've tried doggie diapers but they don't seem to work. Do you know how we can't turn off the canine waterworks?

Sincerely,

Soaking in Spokane


Dear Soaking,

Urination due to excitement is common in these breeds. Just give the dog a tax cut and he'll be fine.

Mitch

------------------

Dear Doctor McConnell,

Due to my uncontrolled gambling and drug use I'm in heavy debt to some rather unsavory characters. I'm scared that they may hurt me. What should I do?

Signed,

Terrified in Tennessee


Dear Terrified,

I know the kind of people you're dealing with. We get all sorts of donations from bankers. That's why the solution here is to give these "goodfellas" a tax cut.

Mitch

-----------------

Dear Doctor McConnell,

My girlfriend doesn't like to fool around anymore and the other day she said she thought Megan Fox was "a hottie." I'm concerned she may be Lebanese. Oh, I also can't achieve an erection unless I watch Japanese mouse-stomping videos first.

Yours,

Worried in Wenatchee


Dear Worried,

Erectile Dysfunction is a common problem among men your age. The solution is a tax cut. Indeed; half of our caucus can't achieve an erection until we've had such a tax cut, so you're in good company.

Mitch

------------------

Dear Doctor McConnell,

I recently came home early from work and caught my husband in bed with the maid. I'm concerned that he may be cheating on me. Should I confront him or take him at his word that he was just "helping her change the sheets from a prone position?"

Naive in Naples


Dear Naive,

As a wife in this situation you may be tempted to grab a pair of garden shears and cut off his... assets. Cut his taxes instead.

Mitch

I cannot condone an act of sacrilege with my presence.

I, for one, hope this rumor that Sarah Palin will appear on "Saturday Night Live" is not true.

Palin doesn't get to be in on the joke. She IS the joke.

This is one of the many reasons SNL is rarely anywhere near as funny as "The Daily Show" these days. The rich and powerful should be mocked, not coddled.

Why, I - I even have my picture on the cover of Newsweek magazine. Yeah. Every day! Yeah.. that's the ticket! Yeah, you betcha!

Would you believe...


On the boat with me was my wife Angelina Jolie Bo Derek Morgan Fairchild.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

Mmmmmmahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Saturday goat blogging.

I keep trying to get goat blogging to catch on but everybody just wants to show pictures of their cats. Oh well.

This is our goat Little Joe. He's a pygora goat that we've had about 8 years.

Little Joe is actually the second goat we've owned. Both Little Joe and his farm goat friend Harry were attacked by our neighbor's dogs while they were in their shed on our property. Harry didn't make it.

Mrs. Wormer went door to door after that attack trying to figure out which of the neighbor's dogs were involved. When she got to the neighbors at the end of the road they were washing their dogs off and before Mrs. Wormer could say anything about why she was there they blurted out "our dogs have been inside all day!" Right.

At that point we were faced with the problem of what to do with Harry's remains. Come to find out disposing of the body of a goat isn't as easy as you might think. The rendering plant won't take goats. That means you have to either bury the goat on your property or take it into the middle of the woods and leave it ala serial killers. We decided to go with the bury it on our property thing.

The problem was Harry was a big goat. A BIG goat. He stood about up to my chest and I'm a tall guy. Getting out the shovel and going to town just wasn't an option.

We had another neighbor at the time that was doing some landscaping and had a backhoe. He offered to did a hole for us and help us bury Harry. He wouldn't be available until the next day but that didn't seem like a problem.

So the next day he brought over the backhoe, we identified a spot and he scooped out a goat grave. When we went to get Harry's body we realized rigimortis had set in and the body was damned heavy. We dragged it over and pushed it into the hole and were surprised to see it's legs and hooves sticking up about 6" over the hole. D'oh!

Now we were faced with some really tough choices. We could try and pull the body out and re-dig the hole but that seemed like it'd be near impossible. We could use the "Dean Wormer" option employed to get the horse out of his office or we could, as our neighbor gently suggested, use the scoop of the backhoe to make the goat "fit."

Let me jump in her and ask you to please understand that in hindsight this seems callous but the whole event beginning with the dog attacks was actually an emotional mess for us. In our wildest dreams both my wife and I never dreamed we'd ever shed a tear over a dead goat. That day we'd spent a good part of the day crying and hugging each other. Our kids were pretty young at the time and we were also trying to comfort them.

I'll never forget my neighbor's face as he sat in the cab of the backhoe and used the scoop to "push" Harry's body into position. You could tell he felt awful and he kept looking at us with sheepish guilt. Poor guy.

Anyhow- back to Little Joe pictured above. Besides the dog attack Little Joe has been seriously sick on any number of occasions (usually fatal to goats) and last summer he was attacked by a ground hive of yellow-jackets which put him in shock and bleeding out the nose. The vet said he probably wouldn't make it. As you can see he's doing fine.

In fact I've pretty much come to the realization that Little Joe is invincible. After the yellow-jacket attack I suggested to the family that we rename Little Joe after the mad monk Rasputin who was poisoned, strangled, stabbed and shot before he enventually drowned. As usual the rest of the family didn't get dad's sense of humor.

I really believe that long after I'm gone that goat will be soldiering on. Eating oats and blackberries and generally having a jolly old goat time. Lucky bastard.

Get a life.

As an Obama supporter I have to say this latest "Fingergate" controversy has really made me rethink my support for Barack. Then I had a discussion with an advertising friend of mine who also happened to have served a Radio Operator in the Navy. He pointed me towards this Obama video-



At the 2:07 minute mark Obama quickly blinks several times in a row. My friend pointed out that Obama was subliminally transmitting a signal in Morse code through this blinking. He translated this message to be "Hillary is a big fat meanie who has cooties."

That's not the worst part. At several times in the video Obama gestures with both hands in front of himself in what can only be seen as the universal sign for "breasts." Clearly he's trying to highlight the fact that his opponent is a woman.

Shame on you Barack Obama. Shame on you.

I wanna correct you, alright. The full name of this product, as it appears in stores all over the county, is Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk.

If you're looking for a gift for your kids I suppose this is better than Bag O'Glass. But only marginally.

If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

This strikes me as the perfect way to address leaders of countries we have a problem with. Remember when we didn't used to go "Ohmygodhesoscary!" every time a foreign leader visited the U.S.?

The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman nor an empire. Discuss.

Tons of stuff bouncing around the ol' noodle this morning.

I've got another hero. This time she's home grown in Oregon. Go get 'em, girl!

A disabled single mother from Beaverton has filed a federal lawsuit against the Recording Industry Association of America, claiming that she is the victim of abusive legal tactics, threats and illegal spying as part of an overzealous campaign to crack down on music pirating.

The recording industry sued Tanya J. Andersen, 44, in 2005, accusing her of violating copyright laws by illegally downloading music onto her computer. Andersen claims in a suit she filed last week in U.S. District Court in Oregon that the recording industry refused to drop its case after its own expert supported her claims of innocence.

Instead, industry officials threatened to interrogate Andersen's 10-year-old daughter, Kylee, if she didn't pay thousands of dollars. The intimidation included attempts to contact Kylee directly. A woman claiming to be Kylee's grandmother called the girl's former elementary school inquiring about her attendance, according to Andersen's suit.

Nazi bastards.

Rudy Giuliani is a pinhead. I suppose that sentence is redundant.

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. - Rudy Giuliani charged yesterday that former President Bill Clinton made a "big mistake" when he failed to see the first World Trade Center attack as an act of terror rather thana mere crime - one that set the stage for even bigger and bolder attacks culminating with 9/11.

"The United States government, then President Clinton, did not respond," Giuliani said, ticking off terrorist attacks that followed, including the bombing of U.S. embassies in Africa and the USS Cole in 2000. "[Osama] bin Laden declared war on us. We didn't hear it."

'Nuff said.

G.O.P Senator Splits With Bush Over Iraq Policy (Waits Until After Funding Debate To Say So.)

WASHINGTON, June 26 — Senator Richard G. Lugar of Indiana, the ranking Republican on the Foreign Relations Committee and a steadfast supporter of the president, has conspicuously broken ranks with him on the Iraq war, warning that the United States’ standing in the world could be irreparably eroded if the White House does not change strategy soon.

Whatever. DEMOCRATIC Senators haven't even split with the President on Iraq. I'll believe it when Lugar votes his mouth. Until then - bullshit walks.

Rupert Murdoch buying another media outlet is always cause to rend one's garments, but his looming purchase of the Wall Street Journal seems especially bad for some reason.

The News Corporation chief executive is building his own financial news channel for cable television, aiming to usurp General Electric's CNBC, which has a news partnership with Dow Jones.

The Bancroft family met Mr Murdoch in early June and discussed a proposal to protect editorial independence. Talks accelerated last week.

I guess I wish I knew enough about the newspaper business to understand what "editorial independence" means. If it means that news section of the Journal will remain pretty much independent then that's a good thing. On the other hand if it means that the batshiat crazy editors of the opinion section of the Journal will remain independent then I'm not sure what the difference between a Wall Street Journal owned by the Bancroft family or a Wall Street Journal owned by Rupert Murdoch would actually be.

Discuss!

Nothing is Beatle-proof!

Friday Beatles blogging.

Saturday Night Live - April 24th, 1976. Host: Paul Simon. Musical Guest: George Harrison.

Hi. I'm Lorne Michaels, the producer of "Saturday Night." Right now, we're being seen by approximately twenty-two million viewers, but please allow me, if I may, to address myself to just four very special people -- John, Paul, George and Ringo -- the Beatles.

Lately, there have been a lot of rumors to the effect that the four of you might be getting back together. That would be great. In my book, the Beatles are the best thing that ever happened to music. It goes even deeper than that. You're not just a musical group, you're a part of us. We grew up with you.

It's for this reason that I'm inviting you to come on our show. Now, we've heard and read a lot about personality and legal conflicts that might prevent you guys from reuniting. That's something which is none of my business. That's a personal problem. You guys will have to handle that.

But it's also been said that no one as yet has come up with enough money to satisfy you. Well, If it's money you want, there's no problem here. The National Broadcasting Company has authorized me to offer you this check to be on our show. (HOLDS UP CHECK) A certified check for $3,000. Here it is, right here. Dave -- can we get a close-up on this? Which camera? Oh, this one. (CAMERA MOVES IN TO SHOW CHECK) Here it is, a check made out to you, the Beatles, for $3,000.

All you have to do is sing three Beatle songs. She loves you Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's $1,000 right there. You know the words. It'll be easy. Like I said, this is made out to the Beatles -- you divide it up any way you want. If you want to give Ringo less, it's up to you. I'd rather not get involved. I'm sincere about this. If it helps you to reach a decision to reunite, it's well worth the investment. You have agents. You know where I can be reached. Just think about it, okay? (HOLDS UP CHECK AGAIN) Thank you.

A little later in the program George Harrison and Paul Simon performed together:




While this was happening John and Paul were actually in New York at John's apartment and watching SNL together and came one cab ride away from taking Michaels up on his offer. John talked about it in an interview with Playboy-

PLAYBOY: Aside from the millions you've been offered for a reunion concert, how did you feel about producer Lorne Michaels' generous offer of $3200 for appearing together on "Saturday Night Live" a few years ago?
LENNON: Oh, yeah. Paul and I were together watching that show. He was visiting us at our place in the Dakota. We were watching it and almost went down to the studio, just as a gag. We nearly got into a cab, but we were actually too tired.
PLAYBOY: How did you and Paul happen to be watching TV together?
LENNON: That was a period when Paul just kept turning up at our door with a guitar. I would let him in, but finally I said to him, "Please call before you come over. It's not 1956 and turning up at the door isn't the same anymore. You know, just give me a ring." He was upset by that, but I didn't mean it badly. I just meant that I was taking care of a baby all day and some guy turns up at the door. . . . But, anyway, back on that night, he and Linda walked in and he and I were just sitting there, watching the show, and we went, "Ha-ha, wouldn't it be funny if we went down?" but we didn't.

"Funny?" Funny? It would've been the ultimate pop culture put-on and would've never been matched. These guys were offered millions to get back together and then they do it for $3000.00. That would've been a sheer act of entertainment genius.

I'm sure Yoko is ultimately responsible for this not happening. Somehow.

Oh no, Toonces. Look out!

Yesterday Tony Snow stepped up to the podium, cleared his throat and vomited forth this nonsense:

"The Korean model is one in which the United States provides a security presence, but you've had the development of a successful democracy in South Korea over a period of years, and, therefore, the United States is there as a force of stability," he said.

Speaking for myself - it's becoming increasingly difficult to remain calm when you're in a car careening down a mountain road and President Toonces is driving.

You've taken something I did as a lark for a couple of years and turned it into a colossal waste of time.

It's hard to believe but I've been blogging for exactly one year as of this last Saturday. Nowhere near don's record, but still...

I've been spending free time tagging all the posts from last year. Basically I just wanted to see what film/ television wells I dip into for quotes most often. I think that may say something about me on a subconscious level.

Let's drop Star Wars (11 quotes) and Star Trek (11 quotes) of the mix right away since those numbers unfairly. Here are the films and television shows I've quoted the most last year-

The American President (3)

The Simpsons (3)

The Wizard of Oz (3)

This is Spinal Tap (3)

Young Frankenstein (3)

Aliens (3)

Back to the Future (3)

Battlestar Galactica (3)

Blazing Saddles (3)

Caddyshack (3)

V for Vendetta (3)

Saturday Night Live (4)

And my number one non-Star Wars/ non-Star Trek entertainment source for quotes-

The Princess Bride (5)

I'm a little embarrassed that there are few "serious" titles on that list but I'm comforted in the realization that most of those comedic quotes were often juxtaposed against rants on war and carnage so I think it's fair to say that if this list tells me anything about myself it's that 1) I love irony and 2) I really, really need to get a life.

What's all this about too much violins on television?

There's quite a bit of chatter today about the violence and homophobia displayed in superbowl ads yesterday. This is another of those times I wish the lefty blogsphere would take a deep breath and then find a happy place. It's tough not to look shrill when you're being, I dunno, shrill.

Sure the heart spot where the guy in the heart costume was basically kidnapped and rolled in a back alley and the "rock, paper, scissors" ads were a bit much. But one progressive blogger has taken to complaining about a digital snowman being ground apart to chill a coke product. Do we really need the "no living snowmen were hurt during the making of this ad" disclaimer?

Let's consider the venue guys. These ads aren't running during the Kennedy Center honors. This is the frickin' superbowl. As close as we come to gladiatorial games.

There's a certain amount of pop cultural ignorance at play here as well. One commentator took on the "racism" inherent in the coke spot featuring the white hoodlum who sets everything right in the city by giving away coke. At one point a woman has her purse stolen as black bystanders stand by.

Anyone familiar with a little video game called "Grand Theft Auto" knew what that from the first few frames that this ad was a send-up of that game, turning the world on it's head. The bystanders, etc. were all made to convey the feel of game in order that the hero could play against type. I personally enjoyed the heck out of that ad.

The last thing we need is for the superbowl and the ads surrounding it to be more tepid, more lifeless and more non-controversial than they are now. That's what I worry the fallout could be.

This week Brad Pitt was voted the Sexiest Man Alive by "People" magazine but unfortunately he may lose the title in the Sexiest Man Electoral College.

With this weekend's announcements and the intention of expanding on my personal view of who should win the Democratic nomination for the presidency- no sitting U.S. Senator who has declared appeals to me. In my opinion the Iraq war hasn't just defined Bush, it's defined them. Their failure to fight forcefully against the war, even if they want to hide behind the weak argument that they were duped by the administration, makes them all appear a bunch of feckless weenies. They may be great politicians but they certainly aren't leaders.

Candygram.

Landshark

We're going to pump YOU up!

As someone who commutes quite a ways to work the subject of gas prices has been something very much on my mind. This weekend I paid about $6.00 more than the week before to fill up my tank. I think that's outrageous. I can't see how the consumer's pain at the pump won't translate into Republican's pain at the ballot box come November. But then I'm not a paid internet columnist like MSNBC's Elizabeth Wilner.

Having never been exposed to MSNBC's First Read I can't really speak to any bias on her part other than what I read in her piece on the politics of gas prices, but that seems to be more than enough to see that she has an axe to grind.

The gas war has begun

President Bush and members of Congress are still making their way back to Washington, but the war over who's to blame for skyrocketing gas prices is already simmering and is expected to reach full-boil status by tomorrow. There's little Bush can do about current high gas prices -- and if Democrats were running part of the government, they would find their hands similarly tied. But they're doing what they can to encourage voters to blame the majority party, and they are increasingly focusing their attacks on Bush's energy policy, the drafting of which, they remind everyone, energy companies were invited to participate in. Republican lawmakers are doing their best to deflect those efforts by taking up the cause of alleged price-gouging themselves and, now, by firing back at Democrats directly.

There is little Bush can do? Come again?

Why not tap the Strategic Petroleum Reserve and alleviate some of the pressure on supply?

Better yet- why doesn't Bush just get oil company executives on the phone and lay down the law threatening them with a justice department review of their business practices up to, and including, price gouging?

Why not open major diplomatic front on Iran instead of strutting and crowing to alleviate fears in the energy markets?

The questions are obviously rhetorical but the point is Bush's hands are hardly tied when it comes to gas prices.

Wilner then conveniently leaves out the accusations from actual Democrats in her piece about accusations from Democrats but does do a whole paragraph on the Republican response:

The Republican Senate campaign committee issued a detailed release accusing Democrats of trying to change the subject away from a strong US economy by focusing on gas prices. "These are the same Democrats who accomplished nothing in terms of an energy policy during eight years with President Clinton at the helm... These are also the same Democrats who obstructed a bi-partisan comprehensive energy bill for four years in Congress," the release snipes. A Senate GOP aide advises, "We expect Democrats to blame us as all summer... We expect there to be hearings, Democratic calls for 'windfall' taxes on oil company profits, tapping the strategic petroleum reserve, claims of price gouging by the oil companies, VP Cheney’s ties to the oil industry, and other nonsensical theories."

If the Democrats wanted to subscribe to sensical rather than nonsensical theories they'd join Republicans in blaming the oil crisis on the failure to dispossess Alaskan Caribou by drilling for oil that may or may not be there ten years from now.

The Republican Senators are employing an interesting strategy here: list out all the reasons they've failed in leadership on this issue then claim their opponents can't use those reasons because, well, they're Democrats and everybody knows how smelly and wrong THEY are.

Yeah, that's the ticket...

Because I refuse to register with the New York Times I'm just going to lift this quote directly from a terrific piece trashing Fred Hiatt by Jane at fireddoglake.

But a week earlier, in an interview in his State Department office, Mr. Powell told three other reporters for The Times that intelligence agencies had essentially rejected that contention, and were "no longer carrying it as a credible item" by early 2003, when he was preparing to make the case against Iraq at the United Nations.

Mr. Powell’s queasiness with some of the intelligence has been well known, but the new revelations suggest that long after he had concluded the intelligence was faulty, Mr. Bush, Mr. Cheney and Mr. Libby were still promoting it. (emphasis mine)

This leapt out at me and frankly it pissed me off.

I realize we've been buried under an avalanche of examples of this administration lying over these past few years but for some reason this case, which is not even really new, really sticks in my craw.

I get that the chickenhawks like Bush and Cheney think that winning a late night game of Risk with their buddies when they were twelve equates to them being master strategists but Powell actually served in uniform and saw combat for chrissakes. If he was queasy about the intelligence then why the hell wasn't he yelling about it? He was in a position to do something about this stupid war. Being a grown-up in a room full of children mean you just might have to say "no."

...and monkeys might come flying out of my butt!

Andrew Sullivan brings a radical solution on Iraq to the table. In fact it's SO radical some may call him crazy.

I'd be one of those people.

So here's a thought: why not send Bill Clinton? For some reason that eludes my own judgment, Clinton has a great deal of cachet in the Middle East, and could defuse the anti-Bush and thereby anti-American obstacles to success. He was, by all accounts, superb at the Doha/Brookings/Saban summit in 2003. He would bring the Democratic party into a much more constructive role in trying to bring about a serious step forward for Iraq, and help unite the country at home.

Does Sullivan read his own stuff? I mean, seriously. George W. Bush would never ask Bill Clinton to help save his bacon in Iraq precisely because it would help the Democratic party and unite the country. Those have never been goals of this administration. Ever. This is the administration who saw the worst terrorist attacks in the history of this country as a great way to gain electoral advantage and played cynical politics with things like the formation of the DHS, originally a Democratic initiative. They have no interest in uniting the country and they certainly have no interest in doing anything that would help Democrats, even collaterally.

Need I remind Andy that the "anti-Bush obstacles to success" were obstactles of his own making? It wasn't some other administration that thumbed it's nose at the world and told the U.N. to take a hike. The U.S. is practically alone in trying to rebuild Iraq by choice. Bush created these obstacles, they didn't appear in a vaccum.

The sad reality is that Bush IS the obstacle to success.

Nothing will begin to change for the better in Iraq until in and around January, 2009. That's when the biggest obstacle for success will be removed.

Until that time neither Bill Clinton nor the cloned and re-animated body of Gandhi could bring some semblance of normality to Iraq. No amount of wishing will make it so.

Cheesburger, Pepsi, Pepsi!

Having recently eaten at the Cafe du Iraq I thought I might share some of the standout items on the menu with my readers. (Okay, BOTH of you.)

Cheeseburger and Pepsi - The old standby. Two sesame-seed buns enveloping a meat patty and cheddar cheese in much the same way our troops are surrounded by a growing sectarian war.

Cold Turkey - Probably the best thing on a dodgy menu but virtually impossible to order.

Murtha Meatloaf - Made from hamburger, bread crumbs, onion and phased, strategic withdrawal and redeployment. A warning: if you order this you'll be mocked by the Chef as a "French Fry Eating Surrender Monkey."

Bill Kristol's MEGA Cheeseburger and Pepsi - Due to patron complaints that all they seemed to be able to order was the Cheeseburger/ Pepsi combo this was added to the menu. It's exactly the same as the regular Cheeseburger/ Pepsi, only BIGGER.

International Ghoulash - A great substitute for high-cholesterol American food. It's made from a variety of Middle-East dishes and a sprinkling of U.N. blueberries. The bad news is I'm fairly certain the Chef doesn't know how to make this.