You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.

I would swear we just had an election. Which side won again?

That is all... cats rule.

I should hit my 1000th post sometime early next week and can't recall for the life of me what the tradition was on that.

Am I supposed to post pix of my kids or my pets?

I think it's pets because, let's face it, Canine Americans have no expectation of privacy in this country. (That goes both ways as anyone that's been getting busy with their special someone only to suddenly feel the cold stare of their fury little friend on their naked booty can attest.)

Anyway- I'm out of here. It's Take Your Spouse to Work Day at my workplace. If you haven't heard of that it's because it's because we just invented it.

I got a fever and the prescription is more cowbell.

Dear Doctor McConnell,

My two-year old schnauzer has a problem with urinating when he gets excited. I've tried doggie diapers but they don't seem to work. Do you know how we can't turn off the canine waterworks?

Sincerely,

Soaking in Spokane


Dear Soaking,

Urination due to excitement is common in these breeds. Just give the dog a tax cut and he'll be fine.

Mitch

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Dear Doctor McConnell,

Due to my uncontrolled gambling and drug use I'm in heavy debt to some rather unsavory characters. I'm scared that they may hurt me. What should I do?

Signed,

Terrified in Tennessee


Dear Terrified,

I know the kind of people you're dealing with. We get all sorts of donations from bankers. That's why the solution here is to give these "goodfellas" a tax cut.

Mitch

-----------------

Dear Doctor McConnell,

My girlfriend doesn't like to fool around anymore and the other day she said she thought Megan Fox was "a hottie." I'm concerned she may be Lebanese. Oh, I also can't achieve an erection unless I watch Japanese mouse-stomping videos first.

Yours,

Worried in Wenatchee


Dear Worried,

Erectile Dysfunction is a common problem among men your age. The solution is a tax cut. Indeed; half of our caucus can't achieve an erection until we've had such a tax cut, so you're in good company.

Mitch

------------------

Dear Doctor McConnell,

I recently came home early from work and caught my husband in bed with the maid. I'm concerned that he may be cheating on me. Should I confront him or take him at his word that he was just "helping her change the sheets from a prone position?"

Naive in Naples


Dear Naive,

As a wife in this situation you may be tempted to grab a pair of garden shears and cut off his... assets. Cut his taxes instead.

Mitch

Please don't throw me in dat briar patch!

McCain says Democrats need to 'seriously negotiate.'

Napoleon demands Wellington 'stand down and surrender.'

Foreman tells Ali to 'stand still so he can punch him.'

Hirohito insists Truman 'stop ordering attacks on Japan.'

But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals.

If you could help me out here I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm trying to decide which of these nasty Delta House dweebs I should put on Triple Secret Probation. Which of them do you think is most deserving of my Foot of Rghteousness?

A) Pope "Ratzy" Benedict who decided this week that it would be a good idea to un-excommunicate ("recommunicate?") the clergy of a right wing sect famous for holocaust denial. It occurs to me that when you've faced criticism for dabbling in the Hitler Youth as boy this might not be the best decision to make. What's next? Jackboots for the Swiss Guard?

B) J.J. "Mugato" Abrams who opted to ruin one of the suprises of his new "Star Trek" movie in spoiling the fact there will be a cameo by one of our little, furry buddies from the original show. He also chose to prove that he not only doesn't get Star Trek, but seems lost when it comes to the great movie "Galaxy Quest" as well when he told an interviewer that GQ "...completely mocks the paradigm in its entirety." Not exactly, J.J.

C) Barack "Hoops" Obama who called Wall Street bonuses "shameful" but to this point has acted as if he has no power to do anything about it. Tie any additonal TARP funds to the condition those executive bonuses are returned and for God's sakes nationalize those financial institutions. Their executives are morons. It's not like we couldn't put chimpanzees in those boardrooms with the same results.

I hate those guys.

Tell me Sarah, what do you think of my labyrinth?

I was listening to Bowie's "China Girl" this morning and have a question-

Why are sacred cows known for stumbling into town?

Clouseau is sitting there, in a chair, just like you, with his back to me. Then suddenly, my hands go round his throat, and I begin to squeeze.

From the "Crazy Lady with Too Much Time on Her Hands" file:

KNIGHTSVILLE, Ind. (WTHI) - Months ago, Rachel Jones was shocked to discover her 4-year-old's baby doll seemed to have a hidden message: Islam is the light.

Imagine her surprise when a game for her 8-year-old daughter's Nintendo DS had the same message.

Rachel said she bought the Nintendo game, Baby Pals, as a gift for her 8-year-old daughter after a good report card.

She had no idea the game also contained the hidden message "Islam is the light."

"We were sitting in the kitchen, and she was playing it," said Jones. "All of a sudden she looked at me, and I looked at her and she said, 'Mom, I think my baby said something.' And so I played it back, and it says 'Islam is the light.'"

The hard-hitting journalist who wrote this piece actually contacted the game's manufacturer for comment rather than gently suggesting to Mrs. Jones that she walk, not run, to the nearest state certified mental health professional.

I think I identified the problem:

The Nintendo game has an "E" rating, which means it's suitable for any age.

The toy/ gaming industry should immediately institute a "L" rating so that loonies can avoid paying for something they might misunderstand.

If you are wise, you will listen to me.

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do
I have another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-da-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me

Executive-privilege only gets you so far
It keeps you from bathing in feathers and tar
But it's immoral, illegal and wrong
To fire attorneys that don't sing your song

Just like that Nixon guy

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-da
Spill what you know, you will go far
Conyers will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do

You see, the great secret, Eliza, is not a question of good manners or bad manners, or any particular sort of manners.

More stories like this please.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton received a rousing welcome this morning when she arrived at Foggy Bottom for the first time, as cheering foreign service and civil service employee packed every inch of the C Street lobby, including the balcony overlooking the flags of foreign nations.

I can't be the only one that remembers those smarmy articles back in 2001 about how career service workers at the White House were overjoyed to have the classless Clintons replaced with that o-so-cultured George and Laura Bush.

When it comes to the East Wing I would find it hard to believe that tweener hijinks of Sasha and Malia will be anywhere near as offensive to your average janitor at the white house as having to clean up the vomited leavings of the drunken Bush daughters back from an all night bender but you never can tell.

Then there's this rumor that Michelle Obama has never pulled that classy move of committing vehicular homicide of a an ex-boyfriend. I hope the white house staff will find her worthy despite the fact she's never left tire tracks on an old beau.

Don't even get me started on that gentlemanly George "Backrub" Bush and his inability to understand the term "personal space."

I'll gladly take the relieved accolades of thousands of career Civil Servants who've essentially spent the last 8 years as POWs over the back room whining of a few butlers who were upset that president Clinton didn't require suit jackets be worn in the Oval Office.

Even if we give in to the dubious proposition that Bill and Hillary "trashed the white house" then we're still left with fact that George and Laura trashed the nation. The General Accounting Office can't even put a dollar figure on that last bit of damage, unlike Clinton's missing "W" keys.

The adults are back in charge, even if they don't wear their suit jackets at their desks.

The point is that you sort of have to take off those jackets should you actually want to roll up your sleeves and get to work.

Either I'm dead right, or I'm crazy!

Just a quick note on cynicism.

In my world the only sane people are those that display a healthy dose of cynicism. Out of those people I reserve my deepest respect for those that are willing to channel their cynicism towards their own most deeply held beliefs.

At the same time I subscribe to the Aristotle's call for "moderation in all things." In practice I take this to mean that even things that are good for us, say diet or exercise, can ultimately be unhealthy if we allow them to consume our lives.

With this in mind the phrase "a healthy dose of cynicism" doesn't signify to me the reflexive nay-saying it's so commonly identified with in our culture. Instead, a healthy cynicism is self-reflexive, curious and not given to extremes. Most importantly "cynicism" and "hope' are not antithetical.

It's become fashionable among those on the political right to refer to those of who worked for and supported the election of president Obama as some sort of Kool-Aid drinking cult who are anxiously waiting for Obama the "Messiah" to deliver to us our unicorns and puppies. When confronted over such ideological pigeonholing these people inevitably try and hide behind "cynicism" in an attempt to claim they reached these conclusions about Obama supporters rationally, without prejudice.

Of course nothing could be further from the truth.

When I watched those crowds at the inauguration yesterday on television I didn't see a group of glassy-eyed cultists. I saw a group of my fellow citizens wanted to be part of history; to watch our own Berlin wall fall with their own eyes.

I also saw millions of people who recognized that our nation's foreign policy over the last eight years has been a disaster, that our economy has been in terrible hands and that we cannot continue to exist as a country unless we reinstitute the rule of law vis a vis our own constitution. I saw people who want leadership grounded in reason and compassion, but who understood at the same time that even great leaders are human and given to make mistakes.

I know very few Obama supporters that wouldn't agree that Barack Obama will do things over the next few years that will me and my fellow liberals off. It's inevitable. But we also recognize that he can't do things alone, that real change is going to have to come from the bottom.

The very embodiment of healthy cynicism.