Tuesday, February 03, 2009

I got a fever and the prescription is more cowbell.

Dear Doctor McConnell,

My two-year old schnauzer has a problem with urinating when he gets excited. I've tried doggie diapers but they don't seem to work. Do you know how we can't turn off the canine waterworks?


Soaking in Spokane

Dear Soaking,

Urination due to excitement is common in these breeds. Just give the dog a tax cut and he'll be fine.



Dear Doctor McConnell,

Due to my uncontrolled gambling and drug use I'm in heavy debt to some rather unsavory characters. I'm scared that they may hurt me. What should I do?


Terrified in Tennessee

Dear Terrified,

I know the kind of people you're dealing with. We get all sorts of donations from bankers. That's why the solution here is to give these "goodfellas" a tax cut.



Dear Doctor McConnell,

My girlfriend doesn't like to fool around anymore and the other day she said she thought Megan Fox was "a hottie." I'm concerned she may be Lebanese. Oh, I also can't achieve an erection unless I watch Japanese mouse-stomping videos first.


Worried in Wenatchee

Dear Worried,

Erectile Dysfunction is a common problem among men your age. The solution is a tax cut. Indeed; half of our caucus can't achieve an erection until we've had such a tax cut, so you're in good company.



Dear Doctor McConnell,

I recently came home early from work and caught my husband in bed with the maid. I'm concerned that he may be cheating on me. Should I confront him or take him at his word that he was just "helping her change the sheets from a prone position?"

Naive in Naples

Dear Naive,

As a wife in this situation you may be tempted to grab a pair of garden shears and cut off his... assets. Cut his taxes instead.



Randal Graves said...

Dear Doctor McConnell,

What if that socialist Hussein doesn't give me a tax cut?

Mitch the Wizard of Wall Street

Dean Wormer said...

Dear Wizard,

Are you trying to say the words "no tax cut?" Because those aren't words I understand.

Don Snabulus said...

Hoover days are here again...

Dean Wormer said...


It's enough to drive a sane person crazy. As things get worse and worse I keep thinking "okay, NOW the media and conservatives are going to have to be serious" or they'll wind up marginalized. Yet, they still drive the debate.


Lockwood said...

Funny post, but... grrrrr. I need to go dig out my copy of "The Bush Dyslexicon;" there's a passage in there that, I kid you not, sounds exactly like this.

ThoughtCriminal said...

You'll feel better after a good bleeding - Theodorick of York, Medieval Tax Cutter

okjimm said...

I had my taxes cut years ago. I really felt two children were enough.

Ooops.... that was a different cut.

Never mind.

Arkonbey said...

In all seriousness, what is the deal with tax cuts? Sure, I don't like paying taxes, but I don't like paying for ANYTHING!

Snow should get plowed, kids taught, food inspected, roads maintained all for no money!

Taxes are the dues we pay for living in Club America and cutting taxes when the government is in debt is like a regular person asking for a pay cut when they've just had another kid.

The problem is where the money goes. Republicans want to cut wasteful things like education, the arts and environmental protection. Liberals want to cut necessary things like ineffectual missile defense systems and the Iraq War.

Unlike Mr. Daschele, I've always paid my taxes. Even when I was in the USCG and technically paying my own salary :)

dguzman said...

Amen, Dean. It's like you said--just when I think sanity will return, these blowhards start talking about more (war) spending and lower taxes. A simple 3rd grade math class would tell them that it won't work, yet they continue to get the support of the media and the ignorant.