You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.

I would swear we just had an election. Which side won again?

That is all... cats rule.

I should hit my 1000th post sometime early next week and can't recall for the life of me what the tradition was on that.

Am I supposed to post pix of my kids or my pets?

I think it's pets because, let's face it, Canine Americans have no expectation of privacy in this country. (That goes both ways as anyone that's been getting busy with their special someone only to suddenly feel the cold stare of their fury little friend on their naked booty can attest.)

Anyway- I'm out of here. It's Take Your Spouse to Work Day at my workplace. If you haven't heard of that it's because it's because we just invented it.

I got a fever and the prescription is more cowbell.

Dear Doctor McConnell,

My two-year old schnauzer has a problem with urinating when he gets excited. I've tried doggie diapers but they don't seem to work. Do you know how we can't turn off the canine waterworks?

Sincerely,

Soaking in Spokane


Dear Soaking,

Urination due to excitement is common in these breeds. Just give the dog a tax cut and he'll be fine.

Mitch

------------------

Dear Doctor McConnell,

Due to my uncontrolled gambling and drug use I'm in heavy debt to some rather unsavory characters. I'm scared that they may hurt me. What should I do?

Signed,

Terrified in Tennessee


Dear Terrified,

I know the kind of people you're dealing with. We get all sorts of donations from bankers. That's why the solution here is to give these "goodfellas" a tax cut.

Mitch

-----------------

Dear Doctor McConnell,

My girlfriend doesn't like to fool around anymore and the other day she said she thought Megan Fox was "a hottie." I'm concerned she may be Lebanese. Oh, I also can't achieve an erection unless I watch Japanese mouse-stomping videos first.

Yours,

Worried in Wenatchee


Dear Worried,

Erectile Dysfunction is a common problem among men your age. The solution is a tax cut. Indeed; half of our caucus can't achieve an erection until we've had such a tax cut, so you're in good company.

Mitch

------------------

Dear Doctor McConnell,

I recently came home early from work and caught my husband in bed with the maid. I'm concerned that he may be cheating on me. Should I confront him or take him at his word that he was just "helping her change the sheets from a prone position?"

Naive in Naples


Dear Naive,

As a wife in this situation you may be tempted to grab a pair of garden shears and cut off his... assets. Cut his taxes instead.

Mitch

Please don't throw me in dat briar patch!

McCain says Democrats need to 'seriously negotiate.'

Napoleon demands Wellington 'stand down and surrender.'

Foreman tells Ali to 'stand still so he can punch him.'

Hirohito insists Truman 'stop ordering attacks on Japan.'