I'm a virgin. I always have been.

Woohoo, the suits are gone!

They reviewed my operation, patted me on the head then went off to wherever bosses go when people aren't looking (Vegas? Heaven?) and left me one spent but very relieved manager.

In hindsight there really wasn't much reason to stress out over the visit. Things are going well. We're making money for the corporation, despite the bad economy. My clients love me. It's all good.

Maybe it was the diet I'm on that was getting to me. For one day this week I ate roughly 1300 calories. That's like a cracker with a small spread of peanut butter or something.

While I was searching for nutrition facts I ran across this activity calorie calculator. You simply input your weight and the length of the activity and it estimates how many calories you're burning.

The categories are organized by "Gym and Home Activities," "Training Activities" and "Daily Life Activities." Some examples that fall under these are "Rowing, stationary: moderate" and "Raquetball: competetive."

Of course my favorite calorie burning activity by far is under "Daily Life Activities" and reads "Sex: moderate effort." I did a literal coffee spit take at my desk when I read that.

The first question I had was "why does "Sex: moderate effort" fall under "Daily Life Activities" when it could just as easily be considered training or something one does at the gym?

What's the deal with the word "moderate?" I always give sex vigorous effort myself. People who aren't good at things apply themselves more.

More importantly how could you possibly limit sex to one category and class of effort? It seems to me there are as many ways of having sex as there are people on the planet. That's got to be, what, THOUSANDS of ways to have sex? (I'm not good at math.)

So here are just some of the categories I would add to the calorie calculator to "flesh out" the answers, if you will:

Sex, alone: vigorous.
Sex, first time: short.
Sex, stuffed animal: soft.
Sex, married: infrequent.
Sex, same sex: college experimental.
Sex, Paris Hilton: boring.
Sex, barnyard animal: creepy.
Sex, Young Frankenstein: singing.
Sex, mid-twenties: drunk.
Sex, republican: bathroom stall.

What do you think? Should I send them my suggestions?