Friday, April 03, 2009

I'm a virgin. I always have been.

Woohoo, the suits are gone!

They reviewed my operation, patted me on the head then went off to wherever bosses go when people aren't looking (Vegas? Heaven?) and left me one spent but very relieved manager.

In hindsight there really wasn't much reason to stress out over the visit. Things are going well. We're making money for the corporation, despite the bad economy. My clients love me. It's all good.

Maybe it was the diet I'm on that was getting to me. For one day this week I ate roughly 1300 calories. That's like a cracker with a small spread of peanut butter or something.

While I was searching for nutrition facts I ran across this activity calorie calculator. You simply input your weight and the length of the activity and it estimates how many calories you're burning.

The categories are organized by "Gym and Home Activities," "Training Activities" and "Daily Life Activities." Some examples that fall under these are "Rowing, stationary: moderate" and "Raquetball: competetive."

Of course my favorite calorie burning activity by far is under "Daily Life Activities" and reads "Sex: moderate effort." I did a literal coffee spit take at my desk when I read that.

The first question I had was "why does "Sex: moderate effort" fall under "Daily Life Activities" when it could just as easily be considered training or something one does at the gym?

What's the deal with the word "moderate?" I always give sex vigorous effort myself. People who aren't good at things apply themselves more.

More importantly how could you possibly limit sex to one category and class of effort? It seems to me there are as many ways of having sex as there are people on the planet. That's got to be, what, THOUSANDS of ways to have sex? (I'm not good at math.)

So here are just some of the categories I would add to the calorie calculator to "flesh out" the answers, if you will:

Sex, alone: vigorous.
Sex, first time: short.
Sex, stuffed animal: soft.
Sex, married: infrequent.
Sex, same sex: college experimental.
Sex, Paris Hilton: boring.
Sex, barnyard animal: creepy.
Sex, Young Frankenstein: singing.
Sex, mid-twenties: drunk.
Sex, republican: bathroom stall.

What do you think? Should I send them my suggestions?


Randal Graves said...

What, no "Couch, watching TV" category?

I feel bad for those cruelly left out, such as uphill skiers and the walk: 3 mph crowd.

Definitely send your categories in, those are funny as hell.

I'm glad to see that your bribe of the suits was successful.

Lockwood said...

Sex, in public, hasty
Sex, SM, blood loss

I can see this getting out of hand... if that's a pun, it's accidental. Maybe a whole book here. Something to supplement salary?

lisahgolden said...

I think you'll do them a wonderful service by presenting your suggestions so please do.

Anonymous said...

if there is such thing as a website restraining order... you may very well get one from the good folks at - if you send them those suggestions :)

Arkonbey said...

I couldn't get past the first entry and thinking of the R.A. Heinlein quote:

"Masturbation is cheap, clean, convenient, and free of any possibility of wrongdoing — and you don't have to go home in the cold. But it's lonely."

Mary Ellen said...

Sex: While blogging;, destracing...I mean distracting.

Dean Wormer said...


I'm glad to see that your bribe of the suits was successful.

Booze always works.

Sex, SM blood loss.

Ha ha!


They asked for it.


Love the Heinlein quote.

Dean Wormer said...

Mary Ellen-


Life As I Know It Now said...

yeah, why even have sex if you aren't going to put some effort into it and really burn some calories there?

Freida Bee said...

Yes! Send it!
Feel free to add:

Sex, porn: cricked neck.
Sex, bungee jumping: Xtreme Sport.
Sex, parachutes: oops.
Sex, parachute pants: eewws
Sex, wetspot: cold.
Sex, Bill Clinton: denied.
Sex, hastily standing up: imaginary.

I'm thinking when I turn 40 next year about re-claiming my virginity.