Michael Jackson seems to have taken the idea of a rock star concert rider to a whole new level.
Besides the 4 hair driers he's reportedly demanding 9 top doctors, 3 master chefs and a host of other ridiculous crap backstage at his upcoming London concerts that would put Van Halen to shame.
It did get me thinking that coming up with a rider for my own rock band would be kind of fun. Presented for your consideration is the concert rider for the Dean Wormer Experience; soon to be coming to an arena near you.
Attached is a rider to assure you of a smooth and professional theatrical presentation. It is spelled out in great detail so that we don't have to trash your place.
Purchaser agrees to provide three (3) dressing rooms. Rooms shall have lavatories mostly devoid of human feces and (1) king-sized bed with accompaning ceiling mirror.
Purchaser agrees to provide one (1) room with three (3) couches so that band can get baked. Purchaser further agrees that a 50" plasma television will be provided perpetually looping episodes of "Gilligan's Island," "Spongebob Squarepants" and "Family Guy."
HOT TUB ROOM
Purchaser agrees to provide one (1) room with 12-person hot tub filled with KFC "Masterpiece" style barbeque sauce.
Purchaser agrees to provide band with (1) massage room with two (2) massage tables to be staffed at the time of the event by one (1) Selma Hayek, one (1) Grace Park or one (1) Yvonne Strahovski.
FOOD REQUIREMENTS (BAND)
One (1) costco size box Mozarella sticks. Heated.
One (1) barrel General Tsos chicken.
One (1) roasted poultry of purchaser's choice but must be on endangered species list.
Six (6) cases Captain Morgan's spiced rum.
Eight (8) cases Hefeweizen beer.
Two (2) packages orange slices.
Four (4) sandwich plates various types. Note- no mayonaisse, meat, bread, lettuce or tomatoes on sandwiches.
One (1) case pepperoni sticks.
Two (2) bowls caesar salad without lettuce, dressing or parmesan cheese.
One (1) case gerber's brand baby food in variety flavors.
One (1) package red vines.
One (1) Selma Hayek, one (1) Grace Park or one (1) Yvonne Strahovski.
As many cashews as you can comfortably fit on the table.
One (1) barrel KY Jelly
Three (3) maid costumes in men's sizes.
One (1) box Tylenol.