Tuesday, March 10, 2009

And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were... I'm on drugs!

Michael Jackson seems to have taken the idea of a rock star concert rider to a whole new level.

Besides the 4 hair driers he's reportedly demanding 9 top doctors, 3 master chefs and a host of other ridiculous crap backstage at his upcoming London concerts that would put Van Halen to shame.

It did get me thinking that coming up with a rider for my own rock band would be kind of fun. Presented for your consideration is the concert rider for the Dean Wormer Experience; soon to be coming to an arena near you.

Dear Purchaser

Attached is a rider to assure you of a smooth and professional theatrical presentation. It is spelled out in great detail so that we don't have to trash your place.


Olaf Weaselstein
Tour Manager


Purchaser agrees to provide three (3) dressing rooms. Rooms shall have lavatories mostly devoid of human feces and (1) king-sized bed with accompaning ceiling mirror.


Purchaser agrees to provide one (1) room with three (3) couches so that band can get baked. Purchaser further agrees that a 50" plasma television will be provided perpetually looping episodes of "Gilligan's Island," "Spongebob Squarepants" and "Family Guy."


Purchaser agrees to provide one (1) room with 12-person hot tub filled with KFC "Masterpiece" style barbeque sauce.


Purchaser agrees to provide band with (1) massage room with two (2) massage tables to be staffed at the time of the event by one (1) Selma Hayek, one (1) Grace Park or one (1) Yvonne Strahovski.



One (1) costco size box Mozarella sticks. Heated.
One (1) barrel General Tsos chicken.
One (1) roasted poultry of purchaser's choice but must be on endangered species list.
Six (6) cases Captain Morgan's spiced rum.
Eight (8) cases Hefeweizen beer.


Two (2) packages orange slices.
Four (4) sandwich plates various types. Note- no mayonaisse, meat, bread, lettuce or tomatoes on sandwiches.
One (1) case pepperoni sticks.
Two (2) bowls caesar salad without lettuce, dressing or parmesan cheese.
One (1) case gerber's brand baby food in variety flavors.


One (1) package red vines.
One (1) Selma Hayek, one (1) Grace Park or one (1) Yvonne Strahovski.
As many cashews as you can comfortably fit on the table.


One (1) barrel KY Jelly
Three (3) maid costumes in men's sizes.
One (1) box Tylenol.


Life As I Know It Now said...

Hey Dean! I was going through some movies that were donated to the library when I came across your name--I think it was Animal House. Well guess what, I've never seen that movie (too far below me, yup, I'm a snob) and here I was thinking that really was your name!

I amuse myself sometimes...

Dean Wormer said...

Ha! My real name is even more insidious. If you knew my real surname your jaw would drop given my politics. (No, it's not Hitler.)

The Dean Wormer things is because I love that movie obviously, but also because he says my favorite movie quote of all time: "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Words we could all live by.

Don Snabulus said...

So, your real surname is Snabulus then.

I will have to kill "Count" Olaf and take over as your tour manager.

Randal Graves said...

You know, that really might be the greatest movie quote of all time.

After reading this, I was about to say that I would never let you stay in my hotel, but after using The Google to find out who that Yvonne is, yowza. Not that there's nothing wrong with the other two ladies. I really should try to be more culturally aware.

And don't worry, Adolf Schickelgruber, we'd never divulge your...oops.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to guess your real name is Svetlana Beaverhausen.

Don't ask me why, I just like the name.



Lockwood said...

I think I'll stock up on the General Tsao's chicken... and skip the hot Hefeweizen. And look, Dean, you're big enough that it should be "and," not "or" in that second "snacks" entry.

Dean Wormer said...


You know and share my cursed affliction.


I don't think it's a bad thing to be spending so much time reading and writing poetry that you don't have time for the television. OTOH you miss Yvonne on "Chuck."

Close on the name but I spell Adolf with a "ph" on the end so my name is really nothing like that guys.


Svetlana Beaverhausen.

It is a beautiful name. You mind if I steal it for my next kid?


Good point. Why limit myself to just one impossibly beautiful woman?

Ubermilf said...

George Herbert Walker Reagan.

Anonymous said...

Genteral Tso and Captain Morgan sounds like an explosive combination!

Dr. Zaius said...

No mayonnaise, meat, bread, lettuce or tomatoes on the sandwiches? What DO you put on the sandwiches, anyway? Yvonne Strahovski?