Thursday, June 05, 2008

I don't like theatrics.


Happy Friday!

In contrast to Swinebread's My Top 10 Comic Book Movies post I give you My Bottom 10 Comic Book Movies.

10. Catwoman - Even the beautiful Halle Berry directly off an Oscar win couldn't save this by-the-numbers film.



9. Daredevil - I like Ben Afleck but he didn't have much to do here.



8. The Punisher (1989) - Dolph Lundgren's career couldn't end fast enough for me.



7. Barb Wire - Pamela Anderson can't act. For most guys her natural assets are more than enough to offset this lack of talent. Not for an hour and a half they're not.



6. Superman III - I love Christopher Reeve as Superman and I think Richard Pryor was a comedic genius but whichever executive got the bright idea that mixing these two together would be cinematic gold should've had their family jewels separated from their body and rocketed into the Forbidden Zone.



5. Batman and Robin - I know some fans see the Tim Burton films which preceded this monstrosity as heretical to Batman, but at least those films had Burton's surreal production designs and quirky, off-kilter vision. This film was just a mess.



4. The Hulk - Those like myself that were excited to see what Ang Lee would do with a comic franchise were disapointed that he decided to make every effort to try and put his audience to sleep with long scenes of exposition and little "Hulk smash."



3. Nick Fury: Agent of Shield - Okay, I'm cheating a bit by putting this on the list since it was a made for t.v. movie but it starred David "I'm drunk eating a hamburger" Hasselhoff for God's sakes.



2. The League of Extraordinary Gentleman - I want so much to like this movie, mostly because of Sean Connery. It's just impossible. Great special effects but no heart about sums it up.



1. Howard the Duck - The first sign of George Lucas' descent into dementia. So bad it's STILL not available on DVD and nye impossible on cassette. Lucas has a habit of trying to hide his mistakes.



UPDATE - Randal reminds me that Howard the Duck did have something going for it in the form of Lea Thompson. The scene below is the sole reason why a young Dean Wormer saw this movie more than once.

17 comments:

Arkonbey said...

as both a movie fan and a comic book fan I have to say: Your list wasn't near long enough.

Swamp Thing
Captain America
The made-for-TV Hulk Vs. Thor
Spiderman staring that Hardy Boy


Gah, the BEST list is much easier, as it is shorter.

Don Snabulus said...

Spiderman staring that Hardy Boy

I laughed and laughed...then I wondered whether you meant Shaun Cassidy or Parker Stevenson, then I cried and cried with the knowledge that my brain would retain such useless knowledge.

Jess Wundrun said...

I think that the viewing of Howard the Duck is a bit like the one million people who said they were at the infamous Dallas/Packers Ice Bowl. Everyone says they saw it...but?

I myself never have, but I like the fact that it always works as a good drop for a joke.

Swinebread said...

You hit some real stinkers that I hate too.

Remember Pamela Anderson's assets aren't natural.

arkonbey - Swamp thing may be bad but I think it's still entertaining in a camp way unlike the rest of the movies on Dean's list

Randal Graves said...

Firstly, great list of bad flicks. Man, where these some clunkers.

Secondly, Pamela Anderson is grotesque. I'll take Halle Berry any day of the week.

Thirdly, jess, I HAVE seen Howard the Duck. Lea Thompson was quite the babe despite that movie imitating Mickey Kaus. I do remember those ridiculous arachnid/insect things coming down to earth. Oh, Jeffrey Jones, why did you have to be possessed?

Overdroid said...

Lucas hides his mistakes. Unless he's hiding his successes by letting his mistakes bleed over.

Han got shot second anyone?

Dean Wormer said...

arkonbey-

Which Swamp Thing? Not the one with Adrienne Barbeau?

That Spiderman show was only watchable because the only thing we had before that was Spiderman on the Electric Company.

Jess-

Good point. The movie's a punchline now. Sort of like "Ishtar."

swine-

Remember Pamela Anderson's assets aren't natural.

Huh. News to me. Now that you mention it I do believe she's had some collagen work done on her lips.

randal-

Secondly, Pamela Anderson is grotesque. I'll take Halle Berry any day of the week.

Seconded.

And you also got me thinking about Lea Thompson. Check the bottom of this post for the update.

Overdroid-

That's still a cool pic with him wearing the Han Shot First t-shirt while standing next to Ford on the set of the new movie.

Bradda said...

What about "Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo"?? Oh wait, comics...

Dr. Zaius said...

Although "The League of Extraordinary Gentleman" was dreadful, I still enjoyed it. Mina Harker was delicious, and Dorian Gray was a great villain. Unfortunately, the components of the film were greater than the whole.

Dean Wormer said...

bradda-

It pales by comparison to the first "Breakin" movie.

zaius-

Fair enough. Also the Mr. Hyde effects were kind of cool and Connery was pretty spry for his age.

Distributorcap said...

well you have a new Hulk to review very soon

Randal Graves said...

You are a great man and a credit to our species for posting that Lea Thompson clip.

Joe the Troll said...

Good list of horrible films. I didn't know about that Nick Fury movie, and now I wish I didn't. That casting is just an insult to the character.

If you look at Pam Anderson on an early episode of Home Improvement you can see how much work she's had done. She's damn well close to unrecognizable.

It seems that most of the comic book movies suck, and I think that this is because they don't follow the original stories and characters well enough. If the movie makers were more faithful to the comics I think they'd have more hits than they do now.

Joe the Troll said...

BYW, I was suspicious of the "Hardy Boys" thing so I looked it up. As I thought, it wasn't one of the Hardy Boys, it was a guy named Nicholas Hammond.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Amazing_Spider-Man_(TV_series)

Arkonbey said...

DAMN!

Really?

Why on god's green earth do I remember it being a Hardy Boy? This is the Spidey with the metal-mesh eye things right?

Wow. Of course, I also thought that Bruce Boxleitner was on Tales of the Gold Monkey when, in fact, he as on Bring 'em Back Alive.

Joe the Troll said...

"This is the Spidey with the metal-mesh eye things right?"

Yup, the 70s live-action show. It's an understandable mistake after all this time, as he an Parker Stevenson looked sort of similar.

mwb said...

The most horrific thing about Barbwire, was the moment when I realized when watching it that it is Casablanca. The movie is a bizarre re-make of Casablanca. The creators of it should be hunted down and punished for doing that.

Lea Thompson, oh yes. I certainly didn't watch Caroline in The City for its witty urbane comedy. Naturally I'll deny in court that I ever actually did watch it...