Monday, August 13, 2007

Kroger, your Delta Tau Chi name is Pinto.

Karl Rove sighted the ubiquitous "leaving to spend time with my family" excuse for why he's resigning which is obviously not the truth. Others are speculating that it might have something to do with his legal troubles. That would seem the best possible explanation unless you happen to be the Dean of Faber College and have a former graduate/ mole on the inside at the White House and know otherwise. I am that Dean and have that mole.

My mole, let's call him "Neidermeyer" for now, is a sneak little shit that was able to obtain for this blog a copy of Rove's resignation letter. Below it is included in it's entirety.

Dear Big Kahuna,

It is with regret that I must inform you that I will be resigning the office of Deputy Director of Political Strategy effective August 31.

There are a number of factors in this decision. My duties serving in this office continue to stand in the way of my dream of joining the touring company of "Mama Mia." I would like to finish work on my cookbook tentatively titled "The Cannibal's Kitchen" and I'm not afraid to admit it after all these years but I'm in love with your wife. A Librarian that runs over and kills a former boyfriend is a secret fetish of mine. Every time I look at Laura: grroowwwlll.

I've enjoyed our many years together- whether we were laughing at the pleas of clemency from convicted murderers on death row back in Texas, hiding under the chairs together on 9/11 or helping you start a war for no good reason we always had fun. I will always cherish my time with you in the 2000 election when we watched Gore continually talk like he could actually win it and a fair count would prevail. As if.

I will forever be your Chunky Monkey, Bald Bomber and Turd Blossom.

Yours Truly,

Karl Rove


Don Snabulus said...

This is good news in the same way that police catching an arsonist after the entire neighborhood has burnt to the ground is good news.

ladybug said...

He's leaving to take a more lucrative, and less stressful position with a "private" (i.e. a friend's) corporation...and/or to be become an outrageously overpaid lobbyist.

It's a cake walk, he'll be paid to play golf, and do lunch w/the boys

An example of why the phrase "Eat the Rich" has come into the English language.

Swinebread said...

Rove is part of the Gay Republican Mafia… he’ s not into anybodies wife

See here.

Dean Wormer said...


I can't eat Rove. He'd taste terrible and have the consistency of Calimari.