Thursday, July 31, 2008

Go away! 'Batin'!

True stories that read like Onion articles--

Cafe serves up coffee with conservative flavor.

From the moment customers enter the front door, the Conservative Cafe is serving up caffeinated doctrine.

Ann Coulter books sit stacked by the fireplace, and a picture of Ronald Reagan hangs on the wall. Fox News plays on all the televisions, and stock market quotes scroll along an electronic ticker above the cash register.

Behind the counter, owner Dave Beckham smiles proudly in a khaki T-shirt that reads "Zip It, Hippie." The shirt is for sale at the Crown Point, Ind., cafe, along with ones that say "Peace through Superior Firepower."

"It's a change from the traditional liberal bastion coffeehouses," Beckham says. "No one is going to bad-mouth America in here."

Because nothing is more American than expresso. Stuff that in your cup with a half-naked mermaid on it and drink it, liberals!

He didn't like piped-in folk music, specialty drinks with faux-Italian names or patrons who frittered the hours away on laptops or listening to iPods. The atmosphere, he said, seemed an affront to Midwestern values he learned growing up in northwest Indiana.

Who wants customers actually hanging around your establishment? Customers are for left-leaning, pinko coffee houses.

"Coffee shouldn't be about sitting in a cafe for 12 hours," Beckham says. "Coffee gets us through our workday. It's what we drink before we make steel for the rest of the country or head out into the fields."

To be fair we buy the steel from other countries but we get the point.

"We're trying to push back against the media and those in Europe who are anti-America," he said. "And it feels good to do it."
The Italians are our enemies.

Crown Point resident Matthew McPhee is one of them. He doesn't feel comfortable in trendier coffeehouses, where he sometimes doesn't recognize the music and often doesn't agree with the political conversations. He prefers the Conservative Cafe, where red-white-and-blue bunting hangs outside the brick building and patrons can buy T-shirts that read, "Silly liberal. . . . Paychecks are for Workers."

Exactly. You go into a Starbucks these days and you hear wacky new music from bands like the Rolling Stones or James Brown. Stuff that only the kids are listening to.

The decor may poke fun at liberals, but Beckham says they're welcome in his establishment. In the first few weeks after opening, for example, he extended his operating hours to accommodate an ideologically mixed group of "Hannity & Colmes" fans, who wanted to watch the show and debate the topics.

So much wrong with his assumptions here. He assumes "Hannity & Colmes" has fans. He also assumes said fans actually "debate" the issues discussed rather than blankly stare at the screen as drool slowly makes it's way down their chins.

"Conservative doesn't mean you belong to a certain political party," McCall says. "It's a way of thinking. It goes beyond politics."

"Thinking" is a generous term to use with regard to conservatives.


crallspace said...

I was recently there and it was a joke...

From the Hannity hate books to the framed American flag that says "Give it Your best" (considering these last 8 years are ANYONE'S best is sad), this place caters to those whose values and worldview is stuck in last century.

And the slogans like "Silly Liberal- Paychecks are for Workers" prove once again, conservatives just aren't funny.

Life As I Know It Now said...

I wonder when they are going to put up a framed picture of that guy down in Tennessee who went into the liberal church to kill those gay loving liberals?

This kind of crap is why I hate Indiana sometimes. Believe me, there are a lot of people just like that around me--no wonder I'm a shut in.

Dean Wormer said...


Wow. Thanks for the on the scene report. The place does sound scarier than anything I could possibly imagine.

...this place caters to those whose values and worldview is stuck in last century.

Or stuck somewhere else.


That's a great question. Or a photo of Timothy McVeigh. True right win heroes.

enigma4ever said...

Well, well...another great post....scary stuff ...
anyways..I put you in my Thurday roundup at watergatesummer......had to..

Bradda said...

"Peace through superior firepower"

Wow. That's kind of like being pro-life and for the death penalty. I'm confused...

DivaJood said...

Yeah, but can you sit around and nurse a double espresso there?

In March, I was hosting a group on a cruise - I walked into the library on the cruise ship: EVERY book Ann Coulter (and every other neo-conservative author) had written as well as really bad romance novels, and lots of Clive Cussler. I tiptoed out, walking backward, making sure I wasn't seen.

Don Snabulus said...

When it comes to the truth, nobody can Bend it Like Beckham.

Dr. Know said...

T-shirts that read, "Silly liberal. . . . Paychecks are for Workers."

Let me fix that:
"Silly conservatives... Livable paychecks are for those who exploit legions of third world workers while gaming the economic and tax system of the US - in essence, sticking our collective, manly penes up the arses of a flock of dullard sycophants."

Think that'll fit on a T-shirt?

Arkonbey said...

Damn. Does this mean that as a liberal I'm going to have to start liking high-priced faux Italian-named coffee drinks, canned folk music, snobs and Starbucks?

Damn. I was really liking my local, family-owned coffee shop where the most exotic things were a cappuccino and a chai...

Funny, they don't like coffee shop as hangout. They don't seem to know their history. Since they burst on the scene in London in the 17th century, they have been hangouts for everyone from artists and poets to politicians and bankers.

good book: "Around the World in Six Glasses"

Dr. Know: you know, I don't even GET the 'silly liberals' shirt. Of course, I don't get much conservative humor

Randal Graves said...

When we all end up in hell, this is where we're going to be, the Conservative Coffee House.


Dr. Zaius said...

Now that we know where they gather, we can TP the place!

mwb said...

This is an abuse of the glorious power of coffee!

Ubermilf said...

I just don't get how conservatives feel they are some sort of oppressed minority.

Bradda said...

TP the place! Awesome idea Dr. Z!

Arkonbey said...

TP? No. We must engage in 80's summer movie behavior. Spike their coffee with some sort of illicit substance that will get them high, do embarrassing things and, in the end, develop a love for their fellow human beings.

Or, probably not.

Freida Bee said...

Dr. Z- Only as long as it's recycled, biodegradeable TP.

I hope there's a shelf of Bible's, they don't recycle ('cause global warming's a trendy myth), and their coffee is cheap thanks to NAFTA.

susan said...

Now I'm extra glad I only drink coffee in the morning - at home - in bed. Gets me ready to face the day without raising the blood pressure.

Dave The Angry Rhode Islander said...

I'd be interested in knowing the average IQ of those who frequent conservative coffehouses vs. liberal.

Also, minor pet peeve - it's eSpresso, not X. No offenxe meant.

Dean Wormer said...


Thanks for mentioning me.


True. Makes no sense.


My own little covert campaign involves moving books by Hannity, Coulter, Limbaugh et al into the Children's Fiction section. I think that's a more appropriate place for them, don't you?


I see what you did there.


I don't get much conservative humor.

That's because you haven't had a lobotomy. That book sounds interesting...


It does sound like hell. Hell with lots of coffee.


Great idea. I'm bringing the rotten eggs and the bag of dog poop to light and set on their porch and ring the doorbell.


It is an affront to all that is good.


I just don't get how conservatives feel they are some sort of oppressed minority.

It comes from being stuffed in the locker quite a few times in high school.


I'm using Charmin because I want to gently tp them.


Slip 'em a mickey. Love it. I say we spike the brownies.


I'm sure the coffee is all Folgers anyways.


Best place to read the paper as well.


Well, that's how we spell it out here in the sticks smart guy. :-)

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