Good evening. Tonight in Iraq, the Armed Forces of the United States are engaged in a struggle that will determine the direction of the global War on Terror — and our safety here at home. The new strategy I outline tonight will change America's course in Iraq, and help us succeed in the fight against terra.
It is clear that we need to change our strategy in Iraq. So my national security team (Dick Cheney), military commanders (Dick Cheney), and diplomats (Dick Cheney) conducted a comprehensive review. We consulted Members of Congress from both parties (Joe Lieberman), allies abroad, and distinguished outside experts (The Heritage Foundation).
Our past efforts to secure Baghdad failed for two principal reasons: I'm the Decider and Democratic members of congress had too much influence on tactical decisions. Not in that order.
Let me explain the main elements of this effort: The Iraqi government will appoint a military commander and two deputy commanders for their capital. Then they'll search the Iraqi desert to find a lamp with a Genie. Then they'll get the Genie to grant 'em three wishes. Except they'll all get three wishes because there's more than one person in the Iraqi government. Then they'll wish for all the violence to go away. But because they have wishes left they all get a Lexus as well.
Many listening tonight will ask why this effort will succeed when previous operations to secure Baghdad did not. The short answer is "It won't matter." The point is that I won't be around to have to take responsibility for it when it becomes obvious it fails. Heh heh.
I have made it clear to the Prime Minister and Iraq's other leaders that America's commitment is not open-ended. If the Iraqi government does not follow through on its promises, it will lose the support of the American people — and it will lose the support of the Iraqi people. We will be able to tell they lost the support of the American people by polling. Except future polls. We won't listen to the polls now that say I'm a jerk and my Iraq policy is wrong. Those polls suck worse than a two-dollar Texas whore.
A successful strategy for Iraq goes beyond military operations. Ordinary Iraqi citizens must see that military operations are accompanied by visible improvements in their neighborhoods and communities. So America will hold the Iraqi government to the benchmarks it has announced.
First - a puppy for every Iraqi.
Second - expand the Green Zone by 1.2 feet annually. By the time our sun goes nuklear in billions of years the safe area should include all of Baghdad.
Third - did I mention the puppy?
Fellow citizens: The year ahead will demand more patience, sacrifice, and resolve. It can be tempting to think that America can put aside the burdens of freedom. Yet times of testing reveal the character of a Nation. And throughout our history, Americans have always defied the pessimists and seen our faith in freedom redeemed. Now America is engaged in a new struggle that will set the course for a new century. We can and we will prevail.
All that and I get to skate.
Thank you and good night.