Wednesday, June 20, 2007

If you don't tell me what I want to know, then it'll just be a question of how much you want it to hurt.

I'm so happy that Justice Scalia is turning to a fictional character in defining his own brand of jurisprudence. The "Jack Bauer Rule" can be the definitive legal defense employed by torturers everywhere.

Of little note is the fact that this isn't the only element of Scalia's legal philosophy grounded on creative fiction. Here are some of his lesser known legal theories:

The Bugs Bunny Rule - Shooting a buddy in the face with a shotgun is okay since he'll be magically okay by the next scene. If you do it while dressed by a girl bunny then you can't even be charged.

The A-Team Defense - Guns don't kill people. Guns don't even HIT people, just the ground around their feet. The Second Amendment rules supreme.

The Caddyshack Clause - Gopher removal is allowable by any means necessary. Gambling is legal at Bushwood as long as the club President is involved.

The Caped Crusader Rule - It is allowable to shot a suspect with a neutrino ray, drop a suspect into a vat of chemicals or off a clock tower or blast a suspect into atoms as long as that suspect defines themselves as a "supervillain" (or a "liberal.")

The Dirty Harry Defense - (Also referred as the "Deathwish Doctrine.") Vigilante killing is not illegal, especially if it's in revenge for the murder of the member of one's family.

The Arsenic and Old Lace Amendment - cute little old ladies can get away with anything.


Swinebread said...

He is evil... and not in the fun way.

Overdroid said...

I like fun evil better.

Don Snabulus said...

And its true we are immune
When fact is fiction and tv reality
And today the millions cry
We eat and drink while tomorrow they die

--U2, Sunday Bloody Sunday

Scalia makes that verse more true than ever

Dean Wormer said...

I love U2!

Could quote Don.