This isn't the Ohio State School of Journalism, this is the big time.

Dear New York Times,

It was with a great sense of personal relief that I read Thomas Friedman's latest column in your pages. I have spent the entirety of my life dreaming of having a job as a regular columnist in the pages of the gray lady. Thus far I have forced myself to pursue other avenues of employment, convinced that I possessed neither the gift for subtlety or grasp of world events necessary to be a first class writer for the Times. Mr. Friedman's column today convinced me I'd been wrong.

As an example take this paragraph from the column:

Today in Iraq, none of the key parties have to make any choices, and we don't have any choices. That is the the definition of "stuck." Right now we can win only if all the parties in and around Iraq act in the most farsighted and flexible manner. Otherwise, we lose in our attempt to democratize Iraq, and we're left holding the bag.

Do you see my point? In this paragraph are demonstrated none of the qualities to what traditionally defined a paid opinion columnist. There's no "higher grasp" of the situation in Iraq, no insight. There's no personal experience relevant to describing what's going on. There isn't even any humorous take on the events in question. Just a dry, generic summation which could have been written by any fifth grader after watching the evening news for five minutes.

So I told myself; "I can write like a fifth grader."

To demonstrate this point, and in the hopes of gaining employment, I'd like to leave you with an example of my skills. I understand that you may not have any open positions for political columnists but perhaps you could use my skills in writing on the educational issues of the day:

Today in education, none of the key parties have to make any choices, and we don't have any choices. That is the the definition of "stuck." Right now we can educate our children only if all the parties in and around the education system act in the most farsighted and flexible manner. Otherwise, we lose in our attempt to educate our children, and we're left holding the crackers.

(I added that crackers bit to mix it up a bit. I can be clever, too.)

I would hope that you would consider my request to gain employment with your fine institution. As an added incentive and to "sweeten the pot" if you will I'd like to make it known that I'd be willing to grow a big, bushy mustache should you be willing to bring me on board.

Sincerely,

Dean Vernon Wormer