Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.
Welcome to The Dean's Office. If you've had to come through my door you've then you've broken the rules. Perhaps you dumped a whole truck load of fizzies in the swim-meet. Perhaps you started a food-fight in the commons. Maybe you simply attended last night's toga fiasco at the Delta fraternity house. Whatever the crime, it goes without saying that you're a non-conformist and we here at Faber college don't like non-conformists. The purpose of this school is to shape young minds into machines of independent thought NOT to create rebels.
Before I dole out punishment for whatever the hell you've done let me just tell you about a young man at this school named Doug Neidermeyer. Doug's the Student Body President, President of the Honor Society, ROTC Officer and Rush Chair of the Omega House. Doug's an outstanding citizen and it's an honor to have him here at Faber.
Doug didn't get to be the fine young man he is today by initiating a midnight panty raid on sorority row. He didn't get there by squirting mashed potatoes out of his nose or having medical school cadavers delivered to the alumni dinner. He got to be that way by discipline. He got that way by hard work and the sweat of his brow. Not to mention a leg up from a rich, well-connected father who donates generously to this college.
As I look across my desk at you I have to say you are nothing like Doug, son. Not even close.
I'm putting you on double-secret probation.
Please tell Mrs. Johnson to hold my calls on the way out and... have a nice day.