And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were... I'm on drugs!

Michael Jackson seems to have taken the idea of a rock star concert rider to a whole new level.

Besides the 4 hair driers he's reportedly demanding 9 top doctors, 3 master chefs and a host of other ridiculous crap backstage at his upcoming London concerts that would put Van Halen to shame.

It did get me thinking that coming up with a rider for my own rock band would be kind of fun. Presented for your consideration is the concert rider for the Dean Wormer Experience; soon to be coming to an arena near you.

Dear Purchaser

Attached is a rider to assure you of a smooth and professional theatrical presentation. It is spelled out in great detail so that we don't have to trash your place.

Sincerely,

Olaf Weaselstein
Tour Manager

DRESSING ROOM

Purchaser agrees to provide three (3) dressing rooms. Rooms shall have lavatories mostly devoid of human feces and (1) king-sized bed with accompaning ceiling mirror.

HERB ROOM

Purchaser agrees to provide one (1) room with three (3) couches so that band can get baked. Purchaser further agrees that a 50" plasma television will be provided perpetually looping episodes of "Gilligan's Island," "Spongebob Squarepants" and "Family Guy."

HOT TUB ROOM

Purchaser agrees to provide one (1) room with 12-person hot tub filled with KFC "Masterpiece" style barbeque sauce.

MASSAGE ROOM

Purchaser agrees to provide band with (1) massage room with two (2) massage tables to be staffed at the time of the event by one (1) Selma Hayek, one (1) Grace Park or one (1) Yvonne Strahovski.

FOOD REQUIREMENTS (BAND)

HOT FOOD

One (1) costco size box Mozarella sticks. Heated.
One (1) barrel General Tsos chicken.
One (1) roasted poultry of purchaser's choice but must be on endangered species list.
Six (6) cases Captain Morgan's spiced rum.
Eight (8) cases Hefeweizen beer.

COLD FOOD

Two (2) packages orange slices.
Four (4) sandwich plates various types. Note- no mayonaisse, meat, bread, lettuce or tomatoes on sandwiches.
One (1) case pepperoni sticks.
Two (2) bowls caesar salad without lettuce, dressing or parmesan cheese.
One (1) case gerber's brand baby food in variety flavors.

SNACKS

One (1) package red vines.
One (1) Selma Hayek, one (1) Grace Park or one (1) Yvonne Strahovski.
As many cashews as you can comfortably fit on the table.

SUPPLIES

One (1) barrel KY Jelly
Three (3) maid costumes in men's sizes.
One (1) box Tylenol.

If you think that Mick Jagger will still be doing the whole rock star thing at age fifty, well, then, you are sorely, sorely mistaken.

Oh for God's sakes.

Gavin over at Sadly, No! catches wingnuts blowing smoke out of their asses for the umteenth bazillion time over the 75,000 person count of people who went to see Barack Obama speak in Portland last weekend.

Apparently those people were there to see the rock band The Decembrists instead.

Question: Didn’t 75,000 people show up to hear him in Oregon?
Answer: Not really. A free rock concert preceded his appearance, News Busters reported. Oops.

I didn't make it to last Sunday's rally but I did make it a similar rally for John Kerry at the exact same location in 2004. The Kerry rally was on a weekday and drew only 50,000 people.

Kerry was accompanied by actor Leonardo DiCaprio and Jon Bon Jovi who sang "Livin on a Prayer" acoustically. I've always suspected that the majority of those people at that rally were actually there to see DiCaprio or Bon Jovi rather than the guy they hoped would replace George Bush. Now these conservatives sleuths have confirmed my suspicion.

(50,000 fans of "Titanic.")

(These Coast Guard guys kept yelling "I'm king of the world!" at DeCaprio.)

(Bridge trolls dig Bon Jovi.)

(Secret Service Snipers had Bon Jovi t-shirts on.)

(Even John Kerry was there to see Bon Jovi.)